book review #1: the five love languages

since i've been doing a lot of reading over break, i thought i'd everyone know what i've been reading and give you the thumbs up/thumbs down if you're interested in that book. (don't expect any type of post like this once fall hits!)

so, book review #1: the five love languages, by gary chapman

i'm reading the singles edition of this book as part of my mclean bible church small group, but i liked it so much i finished it on the plane ride home a few weeks ago.

the jist:
this book is a best-seller and was written with married couples in mind, but gary chapman has put out a singles edition, and many other editions for those that are in other places in their lives. gary chapman, the author, has been a counselor for over 30 years and gives 5 different ways that men and women show their love for others, as well as recieve love (aka: how we feel loved). it doesn't have to relate just to dating relationships, but also for relationships with your parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, etc.

the 5 languages:
1. words of affirmation
2. gifts
3. acts of service
4. quality time
5. physical touch

the point of the book is to show us WHY we may not be feeling loved in a particular realtionship.

a personal example:
this was very telling to me and explained to me why i've felt unloved at certain times. i recieve love primarily (and i think strongly- as in, much more than the other languages) through quality time.
to quote from the book, quality time "may mean doing something together that we both enjoy. The particular activity is secondary, only a means to creating the sense of togetherness....What happens on the emotional level is what matters. Their spending time together in a common pursuit communicates that they care about each other, that they enjoy being with each other." chapman goes on to say that there are several aspects to quality time- quality conversation (different from words of affirmation) and activities. so, if i am denied quality time in relationships, it's much more difficult for me to feel loved by that person.
i think i can also have a negative connotation with another love language, which is gifts (a new realization). not all the time, but for me, if i don't generally feel loved by a person (the quality time again) and i recieve many or expensive gifts from them, they may be showing love to me, but i internalize it as them trying to buy my love, or scapegoat out of other love languages. that's something i have to work on!

in general, everyone can show all 5 love languages to others and receive love in all 5 ways, but most people will have a primary way they feel loved (to someone else, it may be gifts, that when you're out of town you pick up a souveneir, which shows the person they were thought about. others may need you to tell them outright that you care about them or appreciate things they do). and, the way you receive love may be different from the way you show love to others. even though i personally recieve love mostly through quality time, i may show love to others through doing acts of service or a hug.

overall, i thought this book was MUST read for everyone. the author i believe is a Christian, but the book is secular. it might have one bible reference in the whole thing? it will definitely help you examine those relationships in your life that you have more trouble with (a particular sibling, parent or friend), and make the problem areas much clearer to you, while helping you strengthen the relationships.